how did i end up in the Overly Talkative Kroger Cashier line today? and how could i have spent fifty-eight dollars in such a short period of time?

who is responsible for creating sympathy cards that use RHYMING VERSE? surely i'm not the only one who finds this severely distasteful...?

is it really too hard to muster up a smile or nod on the bike path? a few folks actually went so far as to say "hi"; i almost fainted.

and finally, why do i not understand what i do? why do i not do what i want to do?

okay, so i stole that last one from paul [uh... the apostle, not the blogger]. i doubt he'll mind.

i can spend hours online, or on the phone, or playing guitar, or doing scads of other activities. and yet, i've lost count of the half-read books sitting around my apartment, i can't seem to get it together enough to figure out the pile of crap around my desk, and i STILL HAVE GARLAND AND LIGHTS STRUNG AROUND MY LIVING ROOM AND KITCHEN [what?!].

and as much as i [theoretically] desire to get back into running, i can't seem to discipline myself enough for that, either. i did a half-assed job of it for about a month or so in the fall, but that's about the extent of it. after the hiatus [either seven months or seven years, depending on how you look at it], i figure, start slow... i'm not in high school anymore. so i decided to kill two birds with one stone.

i took a long walk with God today. i asked lots of questions. i listened for the answers. [i haven't heard back yet.] but mostly, i marveled at my inertia. it's amazing, really, how quickly a simple lack of motion can take me so far from where i want to be. as i walked my wonderings along the bike path, i gazed to the east, and was startled to realize that i was starting to see buildings that are not so very far from where i work. [normally, my walks along this stretch have not been solo, so apparently all previous conversations had kept me from this fact... look around, maria, look around.] in such a short amount of time, and with such a small amount of effort, i had traveled much farther than i had expected or realized or even necessarily desired.

how is it, then, that i see prayer and scripture reading and spiritual discipline as such a chore in my life? how is it that I KNOW FULL WELL that even a short amount of time, and a small amount of effort, can take me farther on this journey than i can even imagine, to someplace and someone i desperately desire to be, and yet i do not do it? how is it that the God of the universe hears my wonderings and sees my wanderings and feels the hurt of my betrayals, yet still graces me with his touch and allows me to taste His goodness?